The car in front of me won't pull up from the left turn lane into the intersection to catch that sweet spot between yellow and red lights, which means I won't be able to piggyback onto any orangish light manuever, which means I will be two minutes later than I already am. Tension turns to a hot, bubbling anger. I spew some sailor's cuss word and an exclamation of woe and contempt. I tap tap tap the steering wheel with my hands waiting and waiting for the arrow, and if that car in front of me doesn't get a move on immediately, the heat of irritation will rise again from my insides, and I will shout. If I'm feeling particularly midwestern and emboldened behind the steely mask of my car, I might even honk.
And I might shout obscenities again when that old lady in the Buick pulls out in front of me, as if she is in a hurry racing at 23 mph to reach the grocery store (where she will probably also be in my way and waddle in front of me with thirty items and pay with a personal check). And so on.
Traffic is a challenge for me, spiritually.
Did that car in front of me at the light hear me shout "Are you kidding me? Grow a pair! Pull up! Come on!" Was that granny at all affected by my hollering of unladylike comments? Even if I honked, can I know that she realized the honk was for her? Can I know that she recognized what she did to offend me, or that she would feel remorse? Can I guarantee that she wouldn't feel justified to honk and yell in return? No.
The truth is that all my honking and hooting and huffing has absolutely no effect on my traffic neighbors. No effect. They are not going to be served justice. They are not vowing to drive better next time. They are not shouting apologies out of their windows. They aren't feeling any different because of my irritation. They are listening to Phil Collins, wondering if it will rain, and ignoring my existence.
The truth also is that it really does affect me. I feel physically tense. I am enraged. I hear terrible words blast from my mouth. I will arrive at my destination completely exasperated and negative.
Do you do this, too? I'm not just talking about futile road rage. Do you accidentally make yourself suffer in response to what other people do? Do you think that your reactions directly affect others', or that you can control how people react to you? I wonder if you've ever let your annoyance with coworkers ruin your day while they carry on without your baggage. I wonder if you have held an exhausting grudge against a relative only to find her oblivious to any issue between the two of you. I wonder if you have altered your behavior in any way that makes you suffer while thinking that you will have some effect on another person.
It is so draining, isn't it? My rush hour cussing exhausts me, not the annoying drivers.
What if we let that kind of thing go? You might respond and say, "That's not fair! I won't be passive and let whatever happens to me slide. I can't be a doormat in life and allow everyone stomp all over me. " Is it really that slow Subaru driver stomping all over you, or is it your ego? Are you forcing yourself to suffer by self-stomping, while tricking yourself into thinking someone else will feel it instead? I know that's the case for me in traffic, or whenever I think something negative about another person. At first, it appears like I am punishing the other person. In the end, I am the one who suffers. Even if I were to make the other person agonize, I might end up feeling bad about being so harsh and suffer again from guilt!
Next time you feel upset because of what someone else does, consider whether you will benefit from letting it go. A car may get away with cutting you off, but you will retain a sense of peace. Use the energy you would have retailiated with to instead defend your own peace.
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